Recently I’ve been noticing
that I experience two types of self awareness
shameful self awareness
and loving self awareness
The amount of time I spend in the former
is why at times I may seem self aware
and yet could actually be quite stuck.
Because intellectually understanding
is not the same
as feeling.
Shame often tries to stands sentry at the passageway to my self love
telling me that it is protecting me
Or even worse, protecting those around me
by having me feel less
by avoiding hard conversations
by putting it off.
When what it is actually doing
is closing me off from feeling vulnerable
which is an utterly essential precursor
to experiencing love.
Some of heaviest things in life, are unmade decisions
not telling the truth, because we are moving from a place of fear
My shame thrives on secrecy and silence
it coaxes me to hide my full self
to try to show people, only the parts that I think will make them like me.
When I don’t like me
I try to get as many people as possible
to like me.
When I move through the world like this
I subconsciously shape myself
to become the version I think I need to be
to be validated and accepted by others.
I will subtly play a character, in almost every room I walk into
“What do I need to do?
Who do I need to be?
In order for these people to admire and love and accept me?”
This type of performative people pleasing behavior, is a form a self abandonment
and for me, carries many of the markers of addictive tendencies.
The ways I see myself seeking the dopamine hit
that I get when some’s eyes light up
or they smile
or move closer to me in social space
because of something I’ve said, or done.
But of course
any loneliness that comes from speaking my truth
is far more peaceful
than companionship that comes
from playing out a lie.
And in order to be loved by others
I first have to deeply love myself
just the way I am
not some imagined “better” future self
that I am projecting into space
The person that I am
right here
right now.
You’d think these painfully obvious tenets
would have emerged as self evident
before the age of 36
But I am grateful
that I am starting to get to them now
Because it is much more peaceful here
inside of my tender human body
when I let go
of trying to be anything
other than myself.
Sean Ritchey 