The last few weeks of my life have been full of conflict. Good conflict. Here are some of the things I’ve been noticing.
Conflict is often about growth, especially when people growing differently, or at different paces.
Growth is a spectrum, and there is pain at either ends. When I am not growing, I feel stagnant and apathetic. When I’m moving a lot in a short period of time, it can be raw and challenging because there is so much change happening so quickly.
There is a high that can come from big growth – but if there is not support in place to incorporate the new learnings, and remain rooted, I can lose ground contact and feel lost. Deep learning is only really possible, when I can remain present.
There is an innate desire to have discomfort stop. It is preprogramed into our sympathetic nervous system to move away from discomfort or perceived danger. The irony is that if there is safety in the foundation of the relationship, the path to greater harmony, is often directly through the discomfort.
Turning towards that discomfort, is one of the hardest things I’ve ever practiced.
In a well exercised relationship, the discomfort of conflict can be an accelerant to growth and greater connection. It is part of what makes my best relationships so rewarding.
It is also highly unpleasant, uncomfortable, and at times destabilizing. Sometimes I feel like I have lot my rudder. But a good partner can help me come back when I feel like I’m getting swept away by the intensity of the moment we are in.
Moments like this can facilitate growth, if I am open to it.
If I release myself to it.
If I can remain connected to the the fact that I am safe.
When people try to control each other, it is rooted in insecurity. We tell ourselves that if we limit the other person, we will be safer — that the thing we are afraid of, will not happen. We buy into the lie, that reduced movement will result in reduced risk. This is exactly opposite from what I have experienced to be true.
If I’m feeling resentment, it is often because I have done a poor job maintaining my boundaries. Boundaries are one of the most magical instruments in the relationship toolkit. They can be blunt tools, and sometimes they need to be. But in the context of high functioning collaborations, they can be finely attuned, with the strength and flexibility that comes through years of stretching and lifting.
Like in architecture, relational boundaries have to be dynamic, move and absorb the forces from the outside and inside the structure. If a building is constructed with too much rigidity, it will break and fall down in a storm. But if it is engineered to sway in the wind, to shake with the earth quake, it will withstand. In relationships , if we try to hold on too tightly, are too rigid, we break the partnership.
If we can find each other, in the safety of our boundaries, in the possibility of mutual growth, the upside is nearly unlimited.
Sean Ritchey 